first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
its not stalking. its research.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
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