I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
Randomize
