it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
