I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
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