In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
