i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
