and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
