I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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