a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
