I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize
