I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
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