Are we in a gay sports bar?
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Randomize
