Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
Randomize
