I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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