I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
