I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Randomize
