I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
For sure. We should see if we can get Mike to pay for one, and have a triple kegger... :o==& (that's future me projectile vomiting. i try to be goal oriented)
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
