And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I would ride that face into the sunset
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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