if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
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