My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
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