Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
everyone is single if you try hard enough
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
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