i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
