did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
You smell like stripper and shame
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
Randomize
