I accidentally burped into my bong.
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
