If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
