You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
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