If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
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