Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
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