nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
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