i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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