i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
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