just survived the first fart of the relationship.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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