I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
It was odd. His friends dick tasted the same as his. Friends are beginning to have to much in common
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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