Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
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