Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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