Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
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