I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
