he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
