I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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