I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
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