just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Randomize