You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
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