So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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