i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Randomize
