I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
