I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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