Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
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