You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
