so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
