She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
Randomize
