Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
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