Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
