I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
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