After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
