I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Randomize
